Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Swing Your Tassle Right To Left.

Four years ago, I moved to the small quiet college town of Greenville, Illinois. 
I didn't really plan for an 8-hour away seemingly 'uncomfortable' small town with nothing but a college and a prison to become my home.  But.  It happened.  Greenville is my home sweet home. 

I woke up and went to Baccalaureate to hear the lovely Lisa Amundson speak her brilliant words.  You can find them here [http://amundsons.blogspot.com/2012/05/god-is-good-even-in-october.html].  You should (re)read it.  Anyways.  Then I ate lunch and beautified and lined up for commencement.  Then I listened to another wonderful speech by McClure where I learned (among other things) that the only thing we know is that we know nothing.  Then I watched my graduating class of 2012 walk across the stage and shake the president's hand.  Then proceeded to the chaos on Scott Field to snap some last photos.  I think I got pretty much everybody that was there that I loved.  Said some last words and temporary goodbyes.  Then it was packing time forever and roomie time and bed.  So.  That was Sunday. 

Some might say that Monday was the 'first day of my future'.  I might have to disagree.  Because it was Memorial Day and I was in the car until 10pm.  But whether it began my 'real future' or not, it was the day I left my home sweet home. 

I would really love to be Em's roommate again someday.  I'm so grateful for what our friendship has evolved to be.  The laughs, the jokes, the Wifeswap, the One Tree Hill, the animals, the Moto runs, the dance moves, the Lifetime commericals, the game nights... so much more, all go down in my book as part of the best year ever.  Man, Ens.  I love your heart. 

So.  I guess that's my 2 cents for graduation day.  I graduated.  So that's that.  So now begins my future.  *sigh*
Miss you, GC.  Hope to see you real soon. 

P.S.  Aren't these outfits the most flattering? 

Sunday, May 20, 2012


It's weird.
At this moment in time of my life, I don't know what I want.
I've always known that moments and feelings are mostly impossible to describe.  And I think that's the beauty of feelings and moments.  [But I think I'll come back to that later.]  Anyways.  I'll do my best to describe it.
I've been having these brief moments on braindeadness.  And if you know much about me, that's a rarity- to have nothing moving through my head.  But the fact of the matter is that I have exactly one week from tomorrow to spend in this community cliche of a place called Greenville.  And that's both the most wonderful and the most sucky all at the same time.  It's the most intense form of bittersweet a person can feel.  Because, I'm very glad to go.  And I know it's time to go.  I feel old here and I feel like I don't belong.  And that's how I know it's time.  And I'm excited to go.  I'm excited to see what life is going to throw at me next.  And I have no doubt that it will be grand.
But. There's the whole comfortable thing.  There's something about leaving a place I've been so comfortable in for the past four years.  Leaving all of the different perspectives that I'm surrounded by here.  
There are people I wish I could spend more time with.  People that I still want to be here for.  So many memories that I made here.  So much comfort of being surrounded by people that are friendly. But. Life is life, yknow?
So yea.  There have been a lot of back and forth waves of all that.  [Sine and cosine waves... if you will]  

Now.  Back to these feelings and moments and the beauty of never quite being able to describe it all.  I think it's pretty neat at the same time it can be frustrating.  Because sometimes I really wish I could describe certain moments and feelings to share with people.  But.  It's all part of the beauty.  Also.  This quote from 'The Vow' is pretty great:  "The moment of impact.  The moment of impact proves potential for change.  Has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict.  Sending some particles crashing together.  Making them closer than before.  While sending others spinning off into great ventures.  Landing them where you never thought you'd find them.  That's the thing about moments like these.  You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it's gonna affect you.  You just gotta let the colliding parts go where they may.  And wait.  For the next collision."

In other news, I've created my own coffee shop for the day.  I'm on my second cup of coffee.  I could use a new candle, though.  This one is losing it's power.  But it still makes for a wonderful  Probability and Statistics studying environment., along with my 8tracks playlist.  So.  It's back to the books until Blakeley gets here!
Speaking of Blake.  That reminds me.  I'm super pumped.  This next week will be filled with people I love.  Best friends and family.  All of the people that have made such an impact on who I am.  It's gonna be so grand.  So filled with conversation and giggles and hugs.

But for now.  It's back to the big ol' math book.

One more thing.  To hopefully make you smile at this sentimental bittersweet time.  


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

6 Little Thoughts.

Thought number 1. 
Does what doesn't kill you really actually make you stronger?  I don't think it really does.  I think that in a way, what doesn't kill us makes us 'softer' people.  Or at least for me that's how it goes.  I kind of see it as living life without regrets but using what could be seen as 'regrets' to learn from.  Sure, it means we're stronger in some ways.  But we gain strength along with other things.  We become stronger, softer, braver, wiser, kinder, better, ... so many other things.  It depends on the situation.  But they all shape us.. . if they don't kill us.  

Thought number 2. 
David Bazan.  I had a friend who used to challenge me to listen to lyrics of songs.  Not like your typical Chris Brown or Justin Beiber lyrics., but real lyrics that actually make you wonder.  Anyways.  David Bazan's got a lot of good lyrics like that.  And.  I love what he has to say on certain things.  He brings an interesting perspective.  Anyways.  This video is him talking about 'love songs'.  It might be boring if you've never listened to him, but.. I like it.  Particularly the part where he says: "The thing that defines real profound love is a timeline.  It's a vast amount of time.  Because you can communicate something in a moment to somebody that is utterly meaningless when you pull back and see it over time."  Well said, Bazan.  Well. Said.  

Thought number 3.
Bulls play tonight.  I'm a bit nervous because DRose is out and they're down 3-1.  So.  If they lose, they're out, if they don't, I keep rootin.  I'm trying to keep myself from picking a second team already to root for.  And., I haven't decided yet.  But.  It will either be the Heat, Spurs, or Mavs.  We'll see what happens.  

Thought number 4. I got to skype this lovely lady the other night.  It made my week.  Man.  I miss her heaps and gobs and piles.  I'm super excited to see her in a couple weeks.  I hope she's prepared for the biggest hug she's seen in years.  But.  I'm trying not to think of the fact that she'll be in Texas and I'll be in Wisconsin.  That's a sad realization.  But.  We're gonna write letters.  And.  Shayler always knows my heart without hardly saying three words.  So.  That's always a plus.
Thought number 5.  Expectations.  As a disclaimer, you should know that this thought doesn't come from any current personal experiences, [although we've all had our experiences with this time and time again].
Don't put your expectations in other people.  They will always let you down.  I know that sounds like such a Debbie Downer thing to say... but it is what it is.  I think it's okay to put 'faith' in people.  For you to see their potential and blah blah blah.  But.  Expectation is a different thing.  Besides the fact that.. we really don't deserve to be expecting anything from anyone... we just shouldn't.  It's not fair to them and it's not fair to you.  

Thought number 6.  I graduate in 19 days.  What the what?!?!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Sentimental/Freak-out Mode.

So.  I'm graduating in 25 days.  And that's crazy.  Not only is it crazy, but it's sending me into sentimental/freak-out mode.  I've been here for 4 years.  I've put a lot of work into my education.  I've put a lot of love into my relationships.  Here's where sentimental mode comes in.  4 years makes a lot of memories.  I've been replaying them all in my head lately.  My first and second year here were spent mostly with people who I don't really keep in touch with.  But I sure made some awesome memories.  That seems so incredibly long ago.  I've grown so much.  But.  That's a conversation; not a blog post.  Anyways.  My third and fourth year (this one) have been spent with people that I hope to be 'around' for a while.  So.  I could name a bunch of memories.  But they probably wouldn't make sense, and it'd make me more sentimental.

There's also freak-out mode along with this graduation thing. And most days., I'm all good.  Graduation is a good thing.  It's an accomplishment.  But it's not a ticket to whatever I want to do.  It's more like a few punches on a punch card.  And once I get to 10 then I get a free coffee.  So I'm kind of there.  But now comes more.  There's definite searching to do and experience to gain.  And several of my peers are several steps ahead of me.  They've applied to millions of jobs.  Not
 literal 'millions' but.. you catch my drift.  But honestly, I've got so much that happens on a day to day basis that has to be prioritized.. so.. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about it.  But yes., I'm freaking out a little bit in the back of my head.  Because out of all my friends, I feel like I'm the only one on my specific 'track'.  So.  A tiny bit alone.  A tiny bit afraid.  But not too worried.  I've got people who love me a whole bunch.